Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Troy Woolfolk: The Greatest Wolverine

Marissa McClain, The Michigan Daily

Junior Hemingway and Fitzgerald Toussaint have been relatively healthy so far this season.  Denard Robinson hasn't left a game with an injury at all.  In fact the only injury that Michigan has really suffered has been Ricky Barnum, and Michael Schofield has played well filling in at left guard.  Well, besides Troy Woolfolk of course.  Woolfolk has suffered a series of injuries starting from the first game of the season.  He's the walking wounded right now.  And one wonders; why have the Wolverines normally injury prone players been relatively healthy this year while Woolfolk has been injured time and again?  Bad Luck?  Anger an old gypsy woman?  Did the coaches use black magic to keep the guys healthy but the turnover was Woolfolk gets hurt instead?  Did they find some D&D style Rings of Transference to transfer all injuries to Troy as long as everyone was wearing the rings?  Not that I've ever played Dungeons and Dragons or anything.  Like I don't have a level 17 Wizard named Tulmo Falconclaw just sitting around, so don't think that.  I'm just guessing what nerds would say.  FIREBALL!!

Possibly there was a quest or something.  Possibly to a Dragons Lair.  A dungeon was probably (hypothetically) involved.  I may have drawn a map. 

Like maybe they fought some undead and an evil wizard and a dragon.  This is all hypothetical of course.  Brady Hoke, Greg Mattison and Al Borges (possibly) all went on a quest for Rings of Trensference.  Hoke (as Hoke the Handsome, Paladin) donned his Helm of Charisma (+5 charisma when dealing with media members and recruits) and picked up his Trident of Pointing (mesmerize any character pointed at, probably).  Mattison (as Mat-I-Son the Wise, barbarian) picked up his Shield of Ultra Defense (+5 to speed, strength, and intelligence when defending, maybe), and Borges (as Borge the Vast, Monk) grabbed his Gloves of Crazy (+5 confusion to enemy when party uses new formation) and headed out.  They might have looked something like this:


Seriously, I don't play Dungeons and Dragons.  This is all just guesswork.

I imagine this exchange took place at some point:

Al Borges puts on Gloves of Crazy: Just call me Gorgeous Al Borges!

Brady Hoke points his trident at the sky: Tremendous nickname Al!

Greg Mattison: Yea, you know, God love ya Al.  We really admire your dedication to the whole quest thing.  Do you see this polar bear I'm riding Al?  I tamed this polar bear by wrestling it into submission.  It tried to run but I tackled it and wrestled it and now I'm its master.  I'm riding it through a snow covered wasteland right now on the way to fight a dragon and I don't even care.  This is awesome.  But God help me Al, I will get off this polar bear and let him beat me in a fistfight, marry my wife and raise my children as his own before I ever call you that.

Brady Hole:  Ha ha ha ha BOOM MATTISONED!!

A bunch of stuff (hypothetically of course) happened after that, but I don't need to bore you with the details.  They got the rings and came back.  All was well.  I call it the Fellowship of the Ring and the Lord of the Rings.  I just came up with those names by the way. 

But here's the thing, and this is why Troy Woolfolk is the greatest Wolverine.  You can't slip one of the rings on someone without them agreeing.  It's against the rules (I assume).  They have to agree.  So Troy Woolfolk had to selflessly agree to wear the master ring and take all of his teammates injuries.  He was willing to do that so that Michigan could have a good year.  Now he's fighting through all these injuries that he's taken upon himself by agreeing to wear the ring.  That is selfless.  That is being a true Michigan Man.  And that is why Troy Woolfolk is the greatest Wolverines.

Note: obviously I can't confirm that any of this actually happened so I'm forced to assume that yes, it totally did.

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